Morning's Glory/Apnea's Hell

I am an early riser. I love morning. Crazy? Probably to some people whose favorite time of day is "in the midnight hour". Not so for me. I come by this honestly. I was raised by a mom who thought sleep was a "waste of time". I lived with a grandpa who arose before some people were just getting into bed for the night. Grandpa most likely had sleep apnea, which unfortunately I inherited via genetics. Grandpa's snores literally shook the house. He would awaken, head to the kitchen (in the basement, of course - we ARE Italians after all), and grab a jar of coffee that sat on the stove from the night before. He would heat it up in a tiny saucepan and get his first shot of caffeine in those wee hours of the new day. Personally, when I was growing up I found this disgusting. Funny that now I enjoy cold coffee that has sat around for a few hours. Genetics is amazing, isn't it?

So, back to sleep apnea for a moment. Yes, I have it. Yes, I had to have a "sleep test" at a sleep clinic in St. Charles. Artie swore that during my snoring fits I would stop breathing. This freaked me out just enough to go have this test. Reluctantly I made the appointment, and on the day I was to go for the test I packed my ONLY pair of pajamas (I used to be a nightgown gal), toothpaste and brush, a book to read, and my pillow, and off I went.

Artie dropped me off at 9:00 P.M. and walked me up to the second floor of Merritt Sleep Clinic to check me in. My apprehension was indeed justified because soon after I completed the obligatory questionnaires and forms I was hooked up with more wires and probes than the alien in Roswell must have been. I had wires on my head, chest, and legs. I was further creeped out when I found out that someone would be watching my every move from down the hallway on a computer screen. You might imagine how weird that would be to have some sleep technician "Big Brother/Sister" watching me sleep..and snore. Before the technician, who by the way was a hoot and a half, wished me a good night, she told me I could just shout out (literally) if I needed anything. I was sure that I would never fall asleep...but I did. As luck would have it, my pea-sized bladder was on overdrive that night, so of course I had to call for someone to come unhook me and tell me how to maneuver with all the wires hanging...and how not to drop them into the toilet. OY! I am a pretty active sleeper and trying to get comfy with all these wires hanging this way and that was not easy.

Somehow I made it through that night and was awakened at 6 A.M. by the tech (who was just too perky after the night I had). As she unhooked me I asked her if I snored. To this she replied, "Girl, if I didn't know better I would have thought there was a lumberjack in your bed instead of you!" So, Artie was right. I did snore and I did have sleep apnea...

Fast forward to my life since that night from hell at Merritt Sleep Clinic. Every night since my CPAP machine became part of my life, I have had to go to sleep tethered to "THE BEAST" which is what I call my sleep machine. I have a mask that goes up my nostrils, attached to a hose that is attached to the CPAP machine. On more than one occasion Guinness has stared at me in horror. Artie, for whom I blame this all on, has the audacity to say, on a fairly regular basis, "Pilot to Co-pilot. Are we cleared for takeoff?" Personally, I think it is more likened to Darth Vader's gaspy noise.

One final anecdote - once when Landon had a "sleepover" at our house we crawled into bed (Artie, Landon, Guinness and me) and I decided to be a rebel and not wear my mask. I felt so free and fell asleep super quickly, only to be awakened first by Artie telling me to put the mask back on. I ignored him and fell back to sleep again. This time a little voice woke me up with, "Grandma! Put the mask on!". I did.