A friend's blog posting today made me realize I haven't blogged for a very, very long time. According to this blog site my last post was in September. How is that possible? How did 6 months go by without my even posting any of the many things I ponder on a daily basis? I am a heavy duty thinker by nature, and my thoughts have turned to Spring. Spring always makes me more reflective than usual (and that says a lot about its power of renewal and the hopes/promises of what lies ahead). My reflections have turned to passages in time.
Time passages...
In my last post I spoke of the passing of my very dear friend, Judy Winer, who left us in September. Not one day has passed without at least one thought of her. I have had to stop myself so many times from shooting her an email to tell her something I thought she'd like to hear. Each and every day when I am ready to send an email to someone in my "J" or "W" lists, her email address pops up. Sometimes I pause to smile and sometimes tears well up in my eyes for her. When I am rational I am thankful to have had Judy in my life. When I am emotional I am sad to have lost her so soon. Whenever I hear a Josh Groban song, or look at this crazy plastic squirrel we used to pass back and forth through the years, I miss a breath because I miss her. How is it possible that she is gone?
Time passages...
A recent trip to the dentist for a cracked tooth (which turned out to be my only remaining wisdom tooth) made me realize it's been over two years since I've had a dental checkup! When our dentist in Wheaton retired, I had to find a new one in closer proximity. I had been driving back to Wheaton for my semi-annual check ups and cleanings for 4 years - about an hour ride each way. With the cost of gas and the increasing amount of traffic, I decided it just wasn't prudent to continue with the new "replacement" dentist at that practice. Last Friday I realized it's been two years! How on Earth is that possible?
Time passages...
Last week friends were taking about some pension issues that involved turning 60. Smugly I thought, "Well, I don't have to worry about that for a while!" Then the dark cloud of reality hovered and I realized I will be 60 in seven months! How is that possible? Wasn't I just 55 and retiring? What? It will be four years in June since that happened? Aniella asked me yesterday how old I was and I told her I was 59. She has asked this before, yet she always looks so shocked when I tell her. With her look of shock and awe I suddenly felt like an old lady...you know the kind with the white bun, ortho shoes, those ugly saggy nylons that hang around the ankles, wearing some ugly polyester floral frock. OK, my hair IS white, but hidden by monthly trips to the hair salon. I might have a pair or two of shoes that are sort of orthopedic in nature, my socks do sometimes sag around my ankles, but I do not OWN any polyester floral frocks because my hormones would go crazy and make me sweat even more! Crisis averted for now.
Time passages...
Up until this horrid realization that I am approaching my 6th decade, I was fine with this whole aging thing. I have been a very smug 59-year old indeed. Oh, age is just a number I often told myself. You are only as old as you feel, right? For some reason all of this has changed. YIKES! I'M GOING TO BE 60! I loved my 50s. I think women in their 50s are at the greatest point in their lives. All of the positioning we do in our 30s is behind us. The 40s finds many of us in that "empty nest" stage of life, which is difficult at first and so wonderful at the same time. And then come the 50s. Even though my body reminded me of my aging - two knee replacement surgeries on the same knee, wrinkles that look more like canyons instead of "smile lines", aches and pains in places I didn't know existed, etc. - I felt large and in charge at last. Comfortable in my own (sagging) skin for the first time in my life. Happy to let petty things roll off my back. SO happy to be retired and able to feed my creative soul whenever I wanted to. Happy to speak up when I would normally keep silent. Very empowering those 50s are! Sure, there are still some of those ugly little insecurities we all suffer at times, but for the most part we are women! Hear us roar! Well, guess what? My roar has turned into a pitiful meow!
Time passages...
My ever-growing grandchildren are a constant reminder of how quickly time passes. At this writing Landon will be turning 9 in a few short months, Aniella will be 7, and Brennan just celebrated his 4th birthday. How is that possible? I was there to watch each of them born. Wasn't that just a short while ago? My own children are in their 30s. How is that possible? I remember celebrating those "firsts" with both of them. Starting school, being teenagers (and oh, was I blessed that they were such good ones), seeing them graduate high school, attending their college graduations, and Lindsay's wedding. Watching Danny build his career. One of my children has her own children. You blink and they are grown. Every now and then I reflect back to my very first year of teaching. I was 20 years old. My students were only 10 years younger than I was! Those very students are now approaching their 5th decade, if they haven't already. How is that possible?
Time passages...
Our beloved Guinness is 13 years old. How is that possible? I remember the very day Artie finally consented to letting me get my "purse puppy" in March of 2000. We'd driven by the sign on the road so many times and each time I whined about how I needed to have a Yorkie. Artie and I are both glad my whining paid off. I remember so vividly making the phone call to see if any pups were left, and going right to the breeder. I recall, like it was yesterday, seeing that adorable little fluff ball who hid under the table when we walked in. That little fluff ball has given us so much love and we have loved him in return. I watch him struggle at times to jump on the couch, or limp after he's been laying a while. Breaks my heart. Those of you who know me well know that I cannot even allow myself to think about the day he is no longer with us. You might have seen my eyes well up when I step into that "thinking zone" and realize he won't always be with us.
Time passages...
I have always loved photography. I was a shutterbug from a long way back. I guess I didn't realize back in my 20s and 30s just how important those photos would all be to me as I got older. I knew I wanted to preserve memories but I never fully understood just how important those photos would be. A chronicle of all things important to me in my life's history. I have a complete love affair with my camera, but for all the right reasons. My camera is a wonderful kind of magic that captures all the things in my life that I always want to remember. My nostalgic and maybe morose side hopes my photos will live on long after I am gone. Surely someone will look at them and be happy I captured that particular moment, on that particular day, at that particular time of my life.
Time passages...
I am not sad to be turning 60. I was just taken aback for a bit but you can be sure I will embrace it, flourish in it, tackle it head on, and make it yet the next best time of my life...God willing, of course. I am thankful to have these passages in time. I look forward to many more.
