Worrying Empties Your Soul

Italian women worry.  It's what we do.  I have spent most of my life worrying.  I come from a long line of worriers, particularly my maternal grandmother and my mother.  The two of them worried enough for all of humankind.  I am the classic worry wart.  When I was a child I spent countless hours worrying about something.    I worried about death and dying.  I fretted about what was at the end of the universe.  My head spun at every noise I couldn't identify.  Test anxiety was my middle name. I was such a worrier that my third grade teacher, Miss Sperling, called my parents in to discuss it.  SHE was worried about my worrying!  Just knowing she and my parents cared about me seemed to take me out of the tailspin I was in at the time.  I have always been a thinker.  My mind never rests.  I think about everything and anything.  I think about thinking!

Let me give you some history of this worrying gene I possess.  My grandmother was the Prima Donna of Apprehension.  She came to this country from Italy and for many years suffered because she didn't speak the language and was quite shy.  Her struggles with becoming assimilated into the country seemed to make her ever more a worrier.  She came from Bologna, Italy, which is actually a rather large city.  But nothing was like Chicago at the time she arrived in the late 1920s.  Wild, crime ridden, fast-paced, busy...and all of this undeniably threw my grandma into culture shock of the highest proportions. Thrust into unfamiliarity, the challenges seemed to cripple her.  My mother, who came to America at age 8, had to grow up too quickly.  She took on the responsibility of learning English and teaching it to her parents.  There was no bilingual instruction back then, and the demands of learning the new language were overwhelming.  My mother became the "responsible adult" and was given the tasks of helping translate, shop, pay bills, etc.  I am certain this is where her worry gene blossomed and thrived.  It hasn't stopped yet.  I grew up in a "What if..." environment.  "What if someone approaches you when you are walking to school?"  "What if you get lost?"  "What if you get in an accident?"  What if, what if, what if!  In my teens I grew frustrated with my mother and her "what ifs".  I vowed never to be that way when I had my own kids...yeah, I failed miserably.  Hello.  I am Renee Cybul and I am a "What Ifer".  It just goes along with the worry gene.

Becoming a mother sealed the deal for worrying.  I worried through my pregnancies.  I worried when the kids were being born.  I worried when they cried.  I haven't stopped worrying since the day I conceived my children.  Oh, this is a whole new level of worry.  If you are a parent you can totally relate to this worry.  I know this will be with me until I am no longer of this earth.  The worry transfers to your grandchildren.  Now not only do you worry about your children, but you worry about THEIR children.  It never ends.

I often think about my life (of course I do - I'm a worry wart) and how blessed I am.  But...in the back of this mind of mine I worry that it can all change on a dime.  Do you follow this pattern?  It is all-consuming.  I must admit that I anticipate the worst case scenario always and then am relieved when it turns out better than expected.  I know some of you that are reading this are shaking your head in agreement because you have this very same malady.  There is no cure for it.  There is no support group for it.  There is no magic pill that takes it all away.

In defense of worry, I know it has helped me in many ways.  It has kept me from doing some crazy stuff (you know, the REAL crazy stuff - not the typical crazy stuff that all humans do as they are growing up).  I know that worrying has had a huge role in my decision making - from childhood, through adolescence, the teen years, college years, to young married, to mother, to grandmother.  I will not say it was always the best of choices.  But at least I gave things a second thought.

Currently trending on the top of my What to Worry About List are the following (not in order of importance - just random):
1.  Will my hands continue to get as gnarled up as my dad's were?
2.  Will I gain back the weight I have worked so hard to lose?
3.  Will Beau recover from this jaw issue?
4.  Will Artie and I have enough $$$$ to live on when he retires??  BIG WORRY!
5.  Will my son ever find true love and get married?  Have kids?
6.  Will my daughter and son in law's luck ever improve?
7.  Will my wonderful grandchildren grow to be responsible, sensitive, loving people?
There are many more, but I will just worry about coming up with them.
Yes, worrying empties your soul.  I try to fill it back up with the joy, appreciation, and love that fills my life.